If you watched Sex and the City, you know that Miranda Hobbs is this high-powered attorney and a big part of the ongoing narrative of her personal life is that she is a successful lawyer who runs into the constant roadblocks that often meet successful women.
I think about a scene when Miranda is signing the papers for the apartment she was purchasing. Her notary asked if she has a male cosigner (specifically her dad). In which she bluntly replied, “no, just me.” You would think that this is an outdated archetype, that woman would no longer be questioned about their financial solvency whether or not they have a cosigner or if there's someone there that could help "float them”.
Samantha Jones on the other hand was way ahead of our time as this high-powered Executive who also bought her own place, lived this glamorous, wonderful life that she built for herself and I would dare say she is the example many women reference as “success”. She encouraged the other women to own their success, to not be ashamed of it, in fact to actually proclaim it to the world. I truly always loved her as a character.
I remember when I was buying my own home, I had worked my absolute ass off. I dug myself out of $60,000 of debt from my marriage and didn't have a place to live. But knew that I had to figure it out. And even though I made more money than I ever did that year than any other year of my life to date. I was still only able to qualify for only so much and I can't help but think that part of it is because I'm a woman. I know what the law says, I know that the law says they can't discriminate based on race or gender. But I would bet any man money that he has never been asked the same questions as I have if he ever attempted to reach out to get a loan for a house.
And even after I bought this home which is a little over 1800 square feet with almost a 8000 square foot lot. The number of people who asked me what was I going to do with such a big house all by myself astounded me. Because I would bet you that no one would ever ask a man who bought a larger house by himself that same question.
I have a $3,356 mortgage. It is not a light load to take on my own. I am fortunate enough to have figured it out a number of different income streams that help support my basic living necessities and then some. But I still of course sometimes think, paying this mortgage would be a whole lot easier maybe if I just decided to get a roommate. It would easily be an extra thousand dollars in my pocket each month.
But I do believe that you cannot say no to something until you've actually tried it so after living alone for 3 1/2 years after my divorce, I decided to rent my spare guest bedroom to a girlfriend for a brief period of four months and charged very little in exchange ($500 per month). That experience only solidified the fact to me that the cost of having a roommate far outweighs the benefits if you are a single woman you might just be potentially missing on some of the most formative years of your life by defaulting to sharing space.
Although I hold no ill will towards this friend. Those four months were some of the hardest four months I had in the past couple years of my life and no it wasn't because she was a horrible roommate. It was because I realized that everything does have a cost and there's one thing that you can't put a price on. Your freedom and your ability to choose. It showed me how much my thought process had evolved since I had last lived with someone else. That I was no longer able to digest and manage other people's bullshit and negative perspectives if they were not willing to take a look at it themselves.
The extra $2000 I made that year having a roommate, I feel like it should've felt more life-changing. It should've felt more significant, but it barely felt like a drop in my financial stability because my mind and soul was disconcerted with the extra noise around me.
Because something changes after you've lived alone for so many years, you start realizing just how capable you are. What you’re not willing to tolerate anymore and what disturbs your peace. And that is a dangerous place to be for a woman because when a woman realizes that she can count on herself, that she can survive whatever it is that life throws at her, she literally becomes unstoppable.
My ex-husband filing for divorce, leaving me with the debt and taking the house forced me to become the most resilient I have ever been. These were all aspects of myself that already existed, but was nurtured through the pressure of having to figure out what it would look like to live alone and handle the living expenses alone for the first time in my adult life.
And even though I am in a loving relationship now, and we have plans to move in together. I know it's not because I'm lonely, but because it's what I actually want. Living by yourself as a woman teaches you so much about yourself that can never be quantified on a spreadsheet. It fights and bangs on the glass ceiling that is subconsciously still being applied to women in all facets of our lives.
And don't get me wrong there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a roommate. I know some people absolutely thrive on it, because they thrive on the social connection that is built in with having a roommate.
But as someone who is recovering people pleaser and has recently in the past couple years, learned to enjoy the silence, the quietness of my mind, and actually pick a life that is for me. Living alone, only solidified further my promise to myself that I would no longer settle for things that did not fit my life and that protecting my peace was worth far more than a couple hundred dollars.
And just like Samantha and Miranda. Living alone, teaches you that you are the love of your life. You are allowed to feel lonely, you are allowed to question when is it going to be my turn to be in a loving relationship? (And both these characters did at some point of the series). But that ultimately when you proved yourself that you can live alone, you have built something that no one can ever take away from you.
Do you have a roommate? If so, how is that working for you? & if you live alone, how is that working out for you?
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